Awkward Turtle

There will always be the social fopauxs, the freudian slips, the clumsy mis-maneuvers. But some of us, sadly, just have far less social talent than can be expected of the average human. And some of us just feel that way every once in a while. I must admit that I am one of the awkward turtles of the world.
Still, I believe I can offer some insight into what it means to be socially adept (or not). There are three major facets to interpersonal communication: conversation cues, eye contact, and flirtation. All of these must be mastered in order to navigate the often treacherous channels of social life.
Conversation cues. Some people seem to have a complete lack of understanding of these necessary signals. If, during conversation, your partner is leaning toward you with their mouth and eyes wide open, literally hanging on the edge of the seat, it does not mean that they are enrapt in your thrilling discourse. It means they desperately want to say something. We have all seen such instances on sit-coms and romantic comedies. So-and-so is talking trash about someone else while, unbeknownst to them, said person is walking up from behind. If they were only pay attention to the person they were talking to as she frantically waved her arms about, they could have avoided an extremely uncomfortable situation.
A similar instance of misinterpreting conversation cues occurs when a speaker refuses to take notice of the obvious red light being flashed by their speaking partner. If the person you are "talking" to has degraded to answering in monosyllables and refuses to look you in the face, you need to shut up. Even worse is when the long-windedness has become so bad that the victim has completely ceased to pay attention to the speaker.
Although conversation cues are important, they often rely on eye contact as a means of conveyance. However, even this can become a vehicle for social awkwardness. I'm sure we have all experienced the embarrassment that comes when someone you have been watching catches you looking at them. There's the sheepish double-take, maybe an apologetic smile, then the five minutes of staring at the surface directly in front of you. This problem becomes especially prevalent among those who enjoy people-watching. There is of course a simple solution. If someone catches you watching them, simply stick out your tongue and cross your eyes. Then they'll feel bad for staring at that poor retarded person.
The final, and perhaps most complex, aspect of communication is flirtation. Some people seem positively gifted with the ability to charm anyone of the opposite sex they ever meet. Others aren't exactly sure what flirting is. This is due in part to their complete lack of awareness of it. They may go through their entire lives feeling that no one ever flirts with them, and that they never flirt with anyone else. Meanwhile, their friends and family are convinced that they're hopeless teases.
If you find yourself deficient in any of these social skills, please consider seeing an expert. Then again, don't. You're far more entertaining to the rest of the world as you are now. Without you, awkward turtles would never be able procreate.