Truly False

Yesterday evening I was driving through town with my parents when I noticed something peculiar.  We live in a tourist beach town, so there are a lot of little beach shops around (Wings, Pacific, and the like).  We've always wondered about those shops; how on earth could so many of them stay open?  My dad's personal theory - money laundering.  But these stores have another strategy as well - clever advertising!
Now some may say false advertising.  But really, whoever made this stuff up is a genius!  Let me give you just a few examples of the types of signage on display outside these stores.

All Items Under $5.99 (*small print* Selected Section)

or how about...

Going Out For Business - Must Sell All!!!


Yeah, that last one was tricky, I know.  It took us forever to notice that "for" and "of" do not have the same grammatical meaning.

These people are slick, man!  Just like those commercials that claim Axe deodorant will bring you endless attention from adoring females, no matter who you are.  Or the one where Billy Mays' ghost wipes away a huge scab of rust with a single ShamWowy swipe.  Or - my favorite - the ones that say chewing this gum will make your day so exciting you'll be riding around on a gazelle surrounded by the cast from Step Up.  I really wish that one were real; I really want a gazelle real bad.
But the only reason these people have to resort to such bizarre half truths is because of the pressure of the Federal Communication Commission.  Yes, the FCC, that devious creature that controls so much of our lives, including how advertisements are formulated.  If the government would just butt out of their business, all these businesses could finally be honest about what their products are really like.  Make that a Flying Rainbow Gazelle with Two Heads and a Giant Purple Cigar.  And I don't just want adoring females!  What about Romulans, dryads, Wookies, and Unicorns!  I demand More!
But we all know that without the FCC people would actually believe that smoking causes cancer and drinking responsibly is a good idea.  So I suppose it's a necessary evil.  Asi es la vida!