Caution To Eager Freshmen

So, you think you're ready for college. You've taken the ACT seven times; you've gotten all your scholarships in line; you've received a dozen acceptance letters. This will be a breeze, you think. Work hard, have a little fun, lose some sleep, and come out ready to face the world.
Ah, poor, naive freshman. Little do you know of the horrors that await you! But it is possible to make it through. So it is for your own wellbeing that these five rules have been written. Obey them well, and you just might survive college with your sanity intact. Discard them - and heaven help your fragile soul.
Rule 1. Avoid Greeks
"What's wrong with Greeks?" you may ask, thinking of all those TV shows about how cool they are. These images may very well be accurate - if you are Greek. But if not - run for your life (or at least your grades' sakes). Greeks are noisy creatures. If a fraternity or sorority is holding a ceremony on the other side of campus, you will hear them. If you have the misfortune of living in the same dormitory, you will also hear them, at a considerably higher volume. When choosing a dorm room, avoid the Greeks like the blessed plague.
Rule 2. Find Your Niche In The Cafeteria
When you first arrive at college, it is only natural to want to put all those horrible, horrible memories of high school behind you. Especially the memory of all those cliques. You will be disappointed. Humans are humans no matter how well educated, and humans like cliques. The most noticeable area where this phenomenon can be seen is in the cafeteria. There are the jocks in one corner, the sororities in another. The band geeks still cluster together, as do the gamers, the goths, and the academic types. There is no escaping it, so don't event try. Find your niche early in the game, and choosing a seat in the caf will be much easier.
Rule 3. Do Not Wear Pajamas To Class
The day has finally come when you can roll out of bed and shuffle to class in your most cozy clothes. Ah, the freedom, the ease, the - No. You look like a slob, OK? Your professors will take one look at you and think "failure". And really, if you're too lazy to throw some jeans on, how are you goign to muster up the energy to write a twenty page paper on quantum physics?
Rule 4. Do Not Ignore The Fire Drills
Yes, at first they're exciting. The bell rings, and you run outside with your friends for a few minutes before going back in. But just wait until the alarm goes off while you're in the shower, or at three in the morning. Despite the annoyance such situations may bring though, you must obey the siren. Worse things could happen than having to cut your shower short. Like having a bunch of not-too-happy firefighters cut your shower short. Fun, fun, fun.
Rule 5. Sleep When You Can
Your first week will be a breeze. Sleep then. Because you won't be sleeping later. With all those Greeks, and 30 page history "essays", and intrusive firefighters, and five a.m. classes, and hectic social life schedules, you won't have time to blink, much less lie down. So goognight, and good luck.